Make the Most of Life

I firmly believe that we need to make the most out of the life we’ve been given. Life is too damn short to not do what YOU want to do in it.
I’m almost 24 years old, and when I finally settle down and have kids, I want to be able to tell them the things I did, the places I saw, and the people I did it with.
Life is too fleeting to spend it worrying about losing weight all the time, or stressing over a job that I hate, or not being able to afford all the things I want. So what did I do? I did something about it. I’m working out, but on my terms. I’m not going to stop eating all my favorite foods. I’m just going to cut back on how much I eat. I quit that job that I hated and found a job I really like. I may still not be able to afford all the things I want, but I don’t spend my money needlessly so that I have money to spend on the things I really really really want to do. Like travel. Or see a concert.
I want a lot of things out of my life, but I’ve noticed a few of them are material things that I probably won’t find as important after I have it for awhile. Those are the things I don’t buy for myself. If it’s not going to benefit me in the long run, I don’t want it.
I believe in life, you need to pick and choose your battles. I know it’s not as easy as I make it all sound, but what in life is? You have to want it so badly, you’d do anything for it. And I’m willing to not go shopping or watch that movie or go out to eat all in the hopes that I can use the money I would have spent on those things for the bigger things. And that’s why I can afford to do things my other people who make more money than me can’t. I know how to budget and save and crunch. I grew up being money conscious, and I believe that to be so fundamentally important in my upbringing.
It’s why my brother and I don’t have money problems. We know what we should and shouldn’t buy. What we can or cannot afford.
That’s my lesson of the day. You only live one life. There are no second chances. Time isn’t always on our side. Take life by the reigns and do what you can in the time you have. Smile. Laugh. Enjoy.

Advertisements

Point A to Point B

Tags

, , , , , ,

You’re always told to cut the toxic people out of your life. That getting the negative people out of your life will bring better, positive things into it.
They make it sound so easy. Like you can go from point A to point B with the snap of your fingers.
What a lot of people forget is that there’s all the middle going from point A to point B. The middle takes a long time. Days. Weeks. Months. Sometimes years to get to point B.
I never could understand how you can just forget someone who was such a big, important person in your life for years and years and years and act like none of it ever happened. You’re supposed to push the negative out of your life, and sure, that may have happened, but what about the positive, happy energy that person also gave you during your time together?
My best friend for five years decided her boyfriend of three months was the better option than me and has basically told me have a nice life without her. All because I told her how terribly I felt when she ignored me. Now, she did have a lot of drama that I no longer have to deal with.
But what about all the good and fun times we had together for five years? Am I supposed to just magically forget all about it? Because I can’t. Some days I can. I won’t even think about her, and those days are great. But every more often than I’d like to admit, I’ll see something that reminds me of her, or someone will say something that she’d always used to say, or I’ll hang out with the friends we both used to hang out with a lot, and I get this pain in my stomach.
I miss talking to her. I miss her crazy ideas. I miss making her smile and hearing her laugh. I miss how well she was able to understand me, I miss hanging out and doing nothing but still knowing I’d rather be with her than doing anything else.
Letting go is one of the hardest things I think you can do as a person, and I know it’s vital for a healthy life. I look forward to the day I don’t feel like there’s this gap in my life from where she used to be, and I wonder if she still thinks about me. Does she think about the good times we had, or is she only focused on the last conversation we had?
I’m making new friends and creating new memories, and I know with time, I’ll get to that point B. It’ll just take some time. After all, I believe time heals all wounds, or at least makes the wounds more bearable.

What We Teach Our Boys and Girls

Tags

, , , ,

As I was getting out of my car at my apartment complex, a group of men in the apartment complex next to mine were all sitting out on their patio and on the steps leading to the building. They started hollering at me and asking me to come over and hang out with them. I gave them a polite hello and just kept walking to my apartment. This has happened a few times since I moved in a two months ago.
I’m almost worried about coming home every day because I don’t want to have to deal with that. I feel like I should feel guilty that I’m not indulging them even though they are the ones making me feel uncomfortable.
And this got me to thinking…

When I was growing up, I wasn’t very popular with the opposite sex. There were always girls that were much hotter and more beautiful than me. And I’d hear them complaining about how guys were always hitting on them and making them feel uncomfortable. And I hated it because I always thought, You should be happy you’re getting hit on at all. You could be me.

But I was taught to think that way. I was taught that women should feel special, honored, grateful when a guy hits on us. Girls should like that. It was a compliment. Now, there are men that are very sincere when they compliment me and don’t make me feel weird at all. But there are more men that make me feel so uncomfortable. It’s a form of harassment. It’s not a compliment if you’re pushing your feelings onto another person and then getting upset when they’re not returning the feelings.

This mentality needs to change. It is not okay whatsoever. I should not have to be scared to walk from my car to my apartment. I should not have to go out of my way to avoid someone. No matter what the circumstances.

There is a wrong and a right way to compliment someone. I suggest you figure out which is which.

Dating Someone With a Mental Illness

Tags

, , , , , ,

When your friend is dating someone with depression and anxiety, you’re going to be a little leery about them because you want your friend to have the best. To be happy, and you know for a fact that it is super hard on your friend to date someone with a mental illness. You think they deserve better, that they shouldn’t have to deal with this.

But they do stay. I stayed. And I’m sure you all wonder why, why I can’t leave him. I’m sure some of you chalk it up to me being a love struck young woman who’s dealing with her first love and can’t let go.

You’d be right.

But it’s so much more than that.

The love of my life has a mental illness. One that can’t be fixed with a cast, splint, or a band-aid. Meds and therapy aren’t always the solution for depression. Yes, they can help, but the side affects are so terrible it hardly makes them worth it. They make him sick, placid, uncaring. Did I mention they make you sick if they can’t find the right dosage? It’s not pleasant at all, and it’s hard to want to keep trying when every time you have, you feel shitty and more terrible than you did when you went in.

I’ve been reading about how people don’t treat depression or anxiety or any mental illnesses as seriously as, say, a broken leg. One’s just more visible and provable. How frustrating is it when someone doesn’t take you seriously when you suffer from hating yourself, suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety, etc? Very. You try to hide the fact you’re suffering and do what’s best for everyone else by pushing your own problems aside because society has taught you that it’s not nearly as important that it’s your own fault, your own problem.

I’m hoping some of you can relate.

Now, think about this. You go through a few weeks of being pretty okay with things, and then for a month or two you’re just mad about everything. You hate yourself, the people around you. Everything. You hate everything. You don’t want to feel this way. You can’t help how you feel. You’ve tried. But nothing works. You want to be able to leave your room and feel okay, but it never works. You’ve contemplating killing yourself. What’s the point of being here when you’re all alone anyway because you push people away so as to not hurt them when you’re upset and angry, which is more often than not. You can’t hide your feelings anymore. You feel like you’ll explode if you do. What’s the point? There is no point. Every person in your life has run away from you. No one wanted to stay let alone fought to stay. There are a couple people in your life that you’d hang out with if you really wanted to, but they have their own lives and you don’t want to fuck it up with them.

Then by chance, you meet someone. You hope for a moment this will be different. But how can it be? They’ll leave just like everyone else. You’ll probably hurt them like you did everyone else. Unintentionally, but nearly unavoidable. But for the first few weeks, you’re happy. Genuinely happy. You want to talk to them all the time, they make you smile. And not one of those fake smiles you have to wear in front of people. The real deal. Slowly, but inevitably, the darkness comes back. You know who you are, what you do. So you warn them. Tell them you’re depressed and might- no, will- hurt them. You don’t want to, but it’s what you’ve always done and you want the person to know.

Of course, they dismiss it, thinking it’s nothing they can’t handle. And of course you prove yourself right. You hurt them. You can’t help how you feel. You hurt people. You doubt, you get angry, you hate. Oh how you hate. Yourself. People. Everyone. You want to be alone, away from everyone because it’s easier that way. It’s the only way you don’t hate yourself quite so much. But you know that if you want to be with the person you’ve fallen for, you can’t be alone. You want to change, be the person they see in you. But you know it’s a fairy tale, you’ll never change. At least not very quickly. You want to change for them. You do. But you just don’t know how. And when you’re in the darkest part of yourself, you wonder what the point is.

But they don’t leave. After the fights and the hardships, they are still there. But they are so kind hearted and want so desperately to help. But you know there is nothing they can do. It’s something you have to do yourself, if only you knew how. Anything you ask of them they do. Like when you’re not feeling well, they bring you Gatorade. Or how they’ll buy you cigarettes when you ask even though you know they’re against smoking. Or how at 2 in the morning when you feel the most alone and don’t want to be so alone anymore, you text them to come over, and they do. They know enough to give you space, but you know they still love and care about you even without saying it all the time.

You see all they do for you and know at your trajectory and your history, you’re going to hurt them. Like you always do. They’re too good, too amazing to make them suffer and wait for you to decide if you can even do a relationship long term with someone. If you can make yourself change, if you can be a better person, if you can stop hating everything, if you can stop wanting to be alone. They’ll never leave on their own. They’re in too deep. If you don’t stop this where it is, they will be stuck. It’ll be too late for that person to meet and find happiness with someone else.

You want to do this right. You want to do right by them. You know you frustrate and anger them. You know it’s not easy for them, and you know you’ve made a very strong person break down and cry. A few times. You know you’re pushing that person to their limits, and you don’t want to break them. You want to set them free, let them meet someone who will make them as happy as they deserve. Make them happier than you could. It hurts. God it hurts. You don’t want to lose them. You love them more than anything in the world. You hate everyone. Everyone but them. They are the one person you can vent, complain, and be yourself around and know they’ll always be there. Without fail.

You’ve seen their selflessness, and you want to be like that. And you know letting them go is their best option. So you do. And you know you hurt them, which makes it all the worse for yourself. The thought of you being the reason they aren’t eating, aren’t happy anymore, aren’t going to work makes you want to go kill yourself and leave this world where you only ever suffer and cause suffering. But you can’t because they don’t want you to leave. And you don’t want to go. You want to be with them. And you want to be supportive. You’ll never not care about them.

But your resolve weakens as they come to make you see they don’t want to go. They don’t want to be with anyone else. They love you and you alone. And it turns out you helped them discover things about themselves they didn’t know existed. You helped them. You. Helped. Them.

As messed up as you are, you still managed to help someone.

You want to stay around them because they bring a light into your life you can’t find anywhere else. And it does pierce the darkness. The darkness wants to smother and get rid of it, but the light fights. It’s not giving up. But neither is the darkness. It’s a 3 steps forward, two steps back kind of progress. But it. Is. Progress.

I know what’s in his heart. I may not know all their is to know about him. I basically put a sugar coating over his depression and anxiety. It’s so much worse than any of this. This is going off of what I’ve seen and witnessed. And what little he’s told me. I don’t WANT to leave him because I know when he pushes me away, he’s just trying to do right by me. He’s being selfless. And as much as I love him for that, he’s really got to let me think for myself. I can’t leave because I know he doesn’t really want me to. He wants me to stay. He’s mentally ill, and he needs something in his life to even out all the negative. And I need him in my life to help me appreciate myself, to see all the good there is to me.

We are constantly making each other better. That’s what a relationship is really about. If you aren’t bettering the other, move on. There has to be room to grow. Together. 

That’s why I stay.

Days Go By

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s the last day in 2013. 

It’s one of my favorite days of the year because I can look back through my life and see where I was at the beginning and replay the journey it took for me to get here. This year has been momentous to my growth as an individual. So many firsts, so many trips, so many laughs, so many tears. Ups and down. Like every other year. But this year, it really hit home that I am an adult, that I’m forging my own path. 

Let’s take a look into the past.

January:
I started off the new year watching the Victoria Secret’s show with a group of friends.
Had a butterfinger’s for the first time
Went on a 14 hour roadtrip to Indiana with a very good friend for her music auditions, and then drove the 14 hours back never running out of things to talk about
Was compared to a barbie

February:
Had my first ever Valentine.
Received a rose from said Valentine.
My grandmother passed away
Had Quiznos for the first time.

March:
My first airplane ride
First time out of the Midwest
Went to Vegas
Hoola Hooped for the first time
First Gondola Ride
Gambled for the first time

April:
Brought Emily home with me.
Ordered pizza to my apartment for the first time
Ice-apocalypse!
Learned how to french-braid my own hair

May:
My very best friend came back from Korea
Had Cherry Berry for the first time ever
My friends all graduated college
Became a resident of South Dakota
The love of my life broke up with me

June:
Frisbee Golfed
Getting charlie horses like no other

July:
Left my job at the bank to pursue a new career path
Reconnected with some old friends
Dad and brother came up and spent the 4th with me.

August:
Ordered Jimmy Johns for the first time
All my friends started moving back to Sioux Falls
Brothers stayed with me for a weekend
Got Netflix!

September:
A close friend and I had a ‘close call’ at a bar
My mom got a part in a local play
My brother and I found a pair of pants where we could both fit into the pant legs.

October:
Had Trick-Or-Treaters for the first time
Had Apple Cider for the first time
Went from Blonde to Brunette for the first time in 5 years.
Got decent glasses that I can wear in public.

November:
Took an LSAT preptest just because. Scored average.
Thanksgiving
My birthday
Watched my mom’s play
Watched Dumbo for the first time

December:
Christmas
New Years
First Professional Massage
Met some amazing people
Won an award at work

As you can see, this year was a year of so many firsts! I met a lot of new people and strengthened old relationships from my past. What have I learned through all of this? You’re going to fuck up. You’re not going to know which path to choose. You’re going to fall flat on your face. But that’s okay. It won’t always be that way, and you have wonderful people around you to lift you back up onto your feet and lead you down the right path.

I am actually surprised because thinking back, I am always so enamored with my ex that when I think of a month, I can picture and go through everything we ever did together. But this list proves to me that my life isn’t all about him like I had led myself to believe. It is so much more than that. 

Why Cellphones Aren’t Destroying the Future

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“We can’t jump off bridges anymore because our iPhones will get ruined. We can’t take skinny dips in the ocean because there’s no service on the beach and adventures aren’t real unless they’re on Instagram. Technology has doomed the spontaneity of adventure and we’re helping destroy it every time we Google, check-in, and hashtag.”

― Jeremy Glass

For the longest time after I read this quote, I agreed with Jeremy. I mean, everywhere you looked, there was someone on their phone. It’s everywhere. Inescapably true. Facebook has become a breeding ground for everyone knowing everyone else’s business. You don’t even have to try hard to know what Sally from high school is doing now. It’s there.

But why does that frustrate people so much? It is that person’s choice to share the details of their life through social networking. That’s what it is there for, to share what is happening with your life and for others to see it. There are security settings so you can pick and choose who does see all that information. It’s their choice to let you into the business of their lives. You find it annoying? Delete them. Or if you are more than just acquaintances and feel weird about deleting them, there’s this nifty thing called ‘hiding’ them. You can be their friend and not see anything they post come up on your feed. You’d have to search their name to find anything out.

People don’t think ‘the young people’ can truly enjoy the company of others and the spontaneity of life simply because they instagram everything? So they want to document their adventures so years from now they can look back and remember. Sometimes wonder why they decided the picture of the food was so important, but still, they can look back and have the help of the pictures bring back all those memories. Why is that a bad thing? Even if I have a phone and text, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I enjoy the company of my friends. I am hanging out with them, watching a movie, cooking supper, talking intimately with them, joking and laughing about the days absurdities. So I text a friend who I can’t see whenever I want to finish a conversation I’m having with them?

If someone really wants to go to the beach, whether they get service there or not, they are going to go. They might leave later to find a place with service, but they can still enjoy the beach. And don’t go telling me that people don’t skinny dip or do crazy things they’ll look back on when they are 50 and shake their heads at. Cellphones aren’t keeping people from doing it. They’re just helping people coordinate the times, the place, the people involved, and probably the evidence that such a thing happened. And where’s the harm in that? Where’s the harm in having the evidence of having fun so when you’re older and your memory is failing you can look back and remember those times again like you were there.

Unless, of course, you’re documenting a murder or something illegal, in which case, to each their own, but there is going to be some consequences with that.

“Talking on the phone is so much more personal!” Maybe to you. But not to everyone. If the two people involved has determined texting to be their medium of communication, why is it your right to judge them on what is personal or not? What right do you have to judge them on something they have both come to a mutual agreement upon? Maybe talking on the phone is too personal for some people, or with different schedules and time zones, texting is the only way to actually communicate with each other.

Why is it a bad thing to change with the times and to evolve with the technology that is so rapidly moving forward?

Doing so doesn’t make what we feel and experience any less real than those 40 years ago, just makes the experiences different.

How Do You Help Someone that Doesn’t Want to be Helped?

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? How can you help someone who doesn’t listen to you? The person is your best friend, a brother or a sister, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, someone you share a deep, personal connection with. You want to be there for them always, to have their back, to let them know that everything will, in fact, be all right contrary to everything they might think or believe in that moment. You want to help them understand that while their life has taken a bumpy, gravel side road, it is an often traveled road and they are not alone. They are not the first to stumble in life, and they certainly won’t be the last. You want to help them get back on their feet, find their footing, and climb out of that hole they feel they fell into.

You never answered my question. How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped?

You can’t.

Yes, I understand that the little things help and it’s your never ending support and faith that they need. I’m not saying you can’t do that. What I’m saying is that every once and awhile you need to put your foot down and make them realize they have find the happiness in themselves that they deserve to have. They need to learn to fight for themselves rather than you helping them through it all the time. Otherwise, how will they learn to get back up after each fall? They’ll come to rely on you for everything, and in the beginning that might be all well and fine, but before long, it’s going to take its toll on you. But that’s not good for them. They need to realize they have the strength in him/herself to pull themselves up out of that hole. Their feet still work to keep them moving, they can, indeed, see the good in the world if only they choose to open their eyes. They can open their ears to songs of the world that nature chooses to sing. They can feel the warmth of the sun, the love of those closest to them and know their heart will heal in time. They just have to open themselves up to the possibility that is life.

It’s hard for someone who has never experienced such a thing to really understand. Take me, for instance. I’m not a crier nor am I an emotional person. I don’t get attached to people easily. I tend to be a bit naive and believe nearly anything people tell me to be true. I want to believe in the good of everyone, and I have no trouble giving people chance after chance to redeem themselves. This makes it easy for people to push me around and walk all over me. I started getting used to the idea that I’d never really get what I wanted in life because I was too busy trying to keep everyone else happy. Love? As if I’d ever get that. I was too used to the guys I hung around telling me what I wanted to hear in the hopes to get in my pants. And when I wouldn’t let them, they moved on to greener pastures. I figured I was worth more than some pretty words. But as I got older and everyone else around me had fallen in and out of love so many times, I wondered what was wrong with me.

Before this summer, I had never been depressed in my life. There are a lot of different stimuli in my life for such a thing to happen to me, but I found an abundance of happiness from my own heart and love from those around me that I never lost sight of what was most important. It wasn’t until I fell in love that I experienced a pain unlike anything else I had ever experienced.

It happened quickly enough. I fell hard and fast. I knew in the first week that he was special. He was different from all the others. I’m not going to talk about the dating life we had. That’s not important to the story I want to tell. What I want to talk about is the break up.

I will say that he was a depressed person. And before him, I hadn’t ever really experienced it first hand like that before. My brother is depressed, but he keeps everything to himself as he always has. He doesn’t like to talk to us about his feelings because he thinks it’s burdening us. No matter how many times I tell him that or call him up to talk about how he’s doing, he refuses to open up. I keep hoping that the next time I talk to him, that’ll be the day he finally lets me in. My best friend is also depressed. But it took her awhile to let me in with it, too.

With him, it was different. He warned me about it right away. Told me what I was getting into. That he’d hurt me. I wasn’t deterred at all. I could handle it. I wanted to be that support that I felt he needed. I didn’t know if he had anyone else to lean on, so I tried to be understanding when he’d tell me how he was better off alone, how he wanted to just pick up and leave, never look back, and never tell anyone. Not even me. I tried not to let it show how much it hurt when he told me I deserved better. Who was he to tell me what I deserved. Didn’t I have a say in what I wanted? I hadn’t most of my life, so why should that be different, now? Besides, no matter what I told him, it didn’t seem to change his view. I never let him see the tears that would fall the moment he told me he tried to overdose on some pills after we’d fight. I don’t think he ever really understood how badly that cut me. For me to feel like I was the cause of him trying to OD. What if he had succeeded and killed himself? I’d be thinking it was because of me. But I didn’t want to tell him how much any of these things hurt because that would only add more negativity to his plate. So I swallowed it, bit back my pride, and smiled. I smiled when I hurt so badly on the inside, but as soon as I’d see his face, the hurt and pain would melt away, and I’d be filled with such love. I can’t describe properly how much I loved him, and it was because of that love that I let him hurt me. I wanted to be his support. And I felt as though I wouldn’t be supporting him if I told him to suddenly stop telling me what he was really feeling. I texted him every day just to make sure he was still here since I didn’t get to see him more than day or two per week.

Breaking up is always hard. No book, no movie, no story could prepare me for the pain and anguish that I was to face. I’ll probably remember that day for as long as I live. I went shopping at a second hand store with some friends and was trying on old lady clothes for the hell of it because what 22 year old doesn’t play dress up in the old lady clothes? I had a friend snap some pictures of me in different outfits and I sent my favorite to him. That’s when it started. That was the catalyst. For the rest of the day and through the Star Trek: Into Darkness movie in theaters myself and a bunch of friends went to, he texted me about how we shouldn’t be together anymore. It was best for me. I deserved better. All the things I had heard for ten months, only now, nothing I said would fix it. Nothing I did would change his mind. He was deadset on his decision. I sat there in the theater bawling like a newborn baby surrounded by strangers who probably wanted to kick me out. But where would I go? Out into the hall where everyone out there could see while my friends watched the movie? Yup. That is where i went.

No one is a pretty crier, but I feel I was especially ugly. It was one of those hideous sobs that go over the whole body and make you violently shake and sob and the harder you try to calm yourself down the harder you sob and the less air you’re taking in so suddenly you’re unable to breath and you’re scared you won’t ever again. Snot was coming out of my nose, and my eyes were puffy and red. I have never in my whole, entire, 22 years have ever cried that hard. I had no idea that’s what it was like. And i wasn’t even in the comfort of my own bed to wallow in my misery. No, I was right where scores of people were exiting the theater to leave or just coming in. I couldn’t go into the car or wait outside. I had nowhere to go. So my pain and agony was front and center for everyone to bear witness to.

The worst of it though was that this was all his doing, his plan, his idea and he was saying how he never felt worse, how he might not make it, he didn’t see why life was worth living. And I tried my damnedest to console him. To tell him everything would be okay. But I was crying so hard, I couldn’t get any words out. And then it was his turn to comfort me. He kept trying to tell me that things were going to be okay. That I’d be alright. But how would I ever be alright when he was the one threatening to kill himself? In the days after the break-up, I was comforting him. We talked almost every day if not every other. I had to see him at work and pretend everything was okay. I had no time to really grieve. He would come and see me and every time he left, I laid in bed wondering if that was the last time. I’d wake up every morning, and my first thoughts always went to him. Would today be the day I got the call? But I couldn’t text him. Not as often as I wanted to make sure he was still alive, that he would in fact wake up. I kept thinking he wanted nothing to do with me. But we ended up falling into a routine where we saw each other at least once every week. I couldn’t say no. Breaking up was not what I wanted. What I wanted to be with him. And i was getting it. Not how I wanted it, but beggars can’t be choosers. I was going to take what i could get.

We fell into that routine for awhile, and things were going great, and I was holding onto the belief that we might eventually get back together. But through a fight that I still, to this day, believe to be my fault, he tried to OD again. And I don’t believe I talked to him for a week or two after that. It was a long time. The few days after he told me what he had tried to do, I withdrew into myself. It was my fault. And I told him it was my fault, and he never denied it. So there was my proof. I called into work and laid in bed for two days. I didn’t eat. I didn’t bathe. I barely slept. I just sat laid there. Listening to music that could never soothe me, pretending to be fine to the people that texted me, and I thought of the different ways I could kill myself without it hurting too badly. When I realized I shouldn’t be letting myself think that way, I decided I wanted to hurt me. But a knife would leave marks that I didn’t want to have to explain later. My computer had been on for 2 days straight and the power cord was in my blankets, so it was especially hot that day. I grabbed it and put it on my arm and let it there until it no longer hurt. It sounds stupid, maybe. But that was what I needed.

After I did it, I dropped it and took a long, hard look at myself. Was this who I wanted to be? No, of course not. Why was I letting myself be controlled by someone else? Why was I letting someone else control the happiness in my heart so wholly? By me doing all this, what was I hoping to accomplish? Nothing would change. I’d never tell him about it, and he’d still be mad at me. It was time to stop this folly and move forward with my life.

So I did. It took all of the summer for me to actually get back to my usual self, and months after that for me to grow beyond that and really learn from what I had experienced.

Now, how does this story relate to my initial question: How do you help someone that doesn’t want to be helped?

I wanted to help him. And make everything better. I did everything I could. More than I thought I’d ever be able to do. And it didn’t matter. It didn’t help. He still withdraws back into hating himself and his life. The only way anything of what I did could take effect is if he really wanted to change. Sure, he doesn’t want to be the way he is, but until he starts doing something to change that, he’s just letting it control him. He doesn’t really want to change because this is all he knows and the unknown is scary. He’s so set in the fact that nothing will ever change that he actually believes that to be true, when it’s far from. But I can’t help him if he’s unwilling to accept it.

Just like you can’t help your friend, brother, or lover until they are willing to accept it and help themselves. Until they try to move forward on their own, even a little, nothing will change.

Now, I’m not saying drop them and run in the opposite direction. Be there for them when they try to move forward and all they end up doing is falling backwards. You might be that push they need to get moving again. Just don’t try and do everything for them. Let them learn and live through their own experiences.

That’s how you did it.

Not Everyone is the Same

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore… And because of this, there are not many left out there…

I don’t really think I could completely explain how much I dislike this statement. Did you know that if you type that sentence into google, it gives you pages to “Why Men Aren’t Real Men” according to EliteDaily, “Why do nice guys always finish last?” from GoAskAlice.columbia.edu, and Datehookup.com has several: “This is How Every Woman Should be Treated” and “Are there any Good Guys Out There Anymore?”

Who has the right to define what a ‘real’ man is? Or that every woman should be treated one way versus another when every woman is different from the next. The ‘typical’ woman loves to be smothered with love and flowers and cutsey, cliched gifts, right? Wrong. Some people are private and chose to keep to themselves. Some people choose not to send flowers because they don’t need to prove to everyone else that they love their significant other. As long as the two people involved know, what’s it to you? I can’t stand being smothered. I need my space. I don’t want to spend every waking moment with the man that I love. I need my me time. This is unfathomable to some people. And that’s fine. I’m not judging you on that, so do not judge me. Don’t assume to think that because the girl before me liked something that I will, too. I’m my own person, and more often than not, I’m not going to like what she likes.

I was dating a guy that people would agree wasn’t good for me. I wouldn’t agree with that, but I seemed to be defining what I thought of the guy  based on everyone else’s perception of him. They only saw the outside, and the things I talked about, which were rarely about all the good, fun times we had. Why is it we are more readily able to complain about someone than we are to praise them? It’s something I’ve come to grips with about myself and am trying to change.

So the guy I was seeing had a roommate, who just so happened to be in love with me. And more often than not, he would tell me I deserved better. He claimed that the world always put nice girls like me with guys like my boyfriend and overlooked the nice guys like the roommate. I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but my boyfriend wasn’t so bad of a guy. My boyfriend at the time knew what he wanted and what he’d be willing to do for it. He tells it like he sees it and isn’t going to say something if he doesn’t mean it. He keeps to himself and people don’t always like that. He wasn’t affectionate with me in public very often. I am more than okay with that. Public displays of affection is not my thing. I don’t like it when other people do it, so I’m not about to make other people feel uncomfortable by doing it in front of them. If you choose to do that, go ahead. Just saying, I don’t. Now, when my boyfriend and I were alone, his good side would come out. He liked to cuddle and hold hands and we’d talk about everything under the sun. He didn’t push himself on me. He took things slow. He puts up with my randomness, he makes me feel like a better person. I changed a lot because of him. I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself, and that’s been something I have struggled with all my life. Somehow, he made me see that I am beautiful. At least to him, and that’s all that really matters. I have stopped comparing myself to other women because there’s really no point. You are you and I am myself. I have my good points and bad. You have good points and bad. We’re the same, but different. Of course, we had our fights, and they were big ones. We have our problems, which I am more than willing to work through.

But all everyone else saw was the indifference and heard about the fights. That’s it. And they had a preconceived notion of him that is hard to just drop. Doesn’t mean that’s how he really is, but no one seems to be willing to listen to me about it.

The roommate, on the other hand, the self appointed ‘good’ guy was an annoying little twit that I didn’t find attractive in the least. While I have no doubt he knows how to treat a woman well, I just couldn’t stand the part of himself that was so selfish and conceited. The world was out to get him and shit on him. He had no idea that he was hurting the ones around him, or if he did, he didn’t care. If you had a story to tell, he had a better one. If you had a bad day, his was worse. I’m telling you something to see if you can beat me. I just want to talk, and he wasn’t really willing to listen.

So, the roommate was the ‘good’ guy and my boyfriend at the time was the ‘bad’ guy. However, I’d take the bad that came with my boyfriend rather than giving up a part of myself to be with the ‘good’ guy. No one else should either. A girl shouldn’t have to feel bad for following her heart. You can’t really judge a person without getting the whole story. Just looking at a couple, you have no idea what it’s like when they are alone.

Yes there are good guys that get screwed over, but if they are really as great as everyone is making them out to be, they’ll find someone who is compatable with them. They just haven’t found the one, yet. Maybe that good guy is treating every girl the same, the way society thinks a good boyfriend should be when, in fact, you can’t do that. There’s a reason things aren’t working out for the good guy, but it’s not the girls’ job to figure out what that is.

Those Romantic Scenes in Movies

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

You know that romantic scene in movies where a couple meet when the guy’s dog wraps its leash around the girl’s leg. The guy holding the leash is pulled closer to the woman and the woman closer to the guy as the dog winds its way around her legs. In the movie, the two look deep into each others’ eyes, and it’s love at first sight. But then they realize what’s going on and try to awkwardly disentangle. 

Just happened to me except with my crazy, dog lady neighbor and there was no love or staring into each others’ eyes. She was staring at my hair and commenting about the color.